i been so tired this year; i feel like i'm trying harder than i ever have before and yet i still seem to getting the same or maybe even lower grades than i have before.

this is no emotional high.

because i'm determined,
so very determined.

there's about only a month until AP exams are here and i'm giving everything i have for the remaining of this year: my last month and whateva else is left of high school.
i'm giving everything and even more.
i have to.

no more slacking.

i want that five.
i will not accept anything below a three. 
i want this and i am going to get it.

and when the rest of high school is over (aka AP exams over) i can truly let go and just enjoy the sun, the heat, relaxing, working hard, sleeping in, the wind, music, dancing terribly,dust, not showering everyday, sweating, fires, beaches, friends, weird people, graduation, saying goodbyes, traveling, reading, walking around barefoot, singing, having fun, relationships, getting to know people better, laughing, smiling, not worrying about AP exams, temporary forgetting about how stupid cheaters are, getting away, college, blah blah blah and other stuff.


i know what i deserve and i'm going to get it. 




want to know a quick way to lose my respect?
cheat.  just go ahead and do it. 
cheating is a coward's way out and it's p a t h e t i c.  so very pitiful. 
sure, maybe you're getting the better grade but i'm learning things so much more valuable than you are. 
so go ahead and take the cheap way out, you'll pay the consequences later in life when you don't know how to deal with failure and i will not feel sorry for you.
maybe cheating is wrong but more than that it's one very poor choice that i believe shows how just hollow you are. 
no excuses.


i have no regrets what so ever.
none at all.

is it just me, or does anyone else sometimes feel, when you’re just laying there on your bed about to go to sleep, or if you’re just outside and staring at the stars or.. just laying there... do you ever get the feeling of .. i don’t know.. wonderment?  bewilderment?  a vague sense of .. i don’t really understand.. but amazement... a feeling so hard to grasp onto.. so very difficult.. that.... that.. you’re alive?
i remember even feeling this way when i was younger..

that.. wow.  this is me... i’m here, i see through these eyes that have really bad eyesight.. these are my fingers that i can move and shift to create and write..

i may just be some kind of freak, but sometimes it’s just so hard to believe that i’m simply alive and that i’m here and that i existent.. like.... am i meant for something? 

this is my body... these are my choices.. and here are my words. 

i was thinking about the movie ’the butterfly effect’ and about how just one small choice can change a whole lifetime, and it reminds me how people, little, fragile & weak people can be so strong.  how through maybe simply becoming closer with one person can such a profound effect on the world without the whole world realizing it.  a ripple effect.. and it’s happening everywhere, it’s happening right now.

i always found it a very hard concept to grasp onto that i’m here right now and that i’m simply alive.. that this is my heart that is pumping blood throughout my body.. that this is my lungs that inhaling and exhaling... that.. i’m part of something so much larger and greater that i can’t even start to understand and i’m so woven in that any choice, no matter how small, has an effect. 

haha, i just keep repeating that ’it’s so hard to believe’
’unbelievable.’

1.  i’m not sure i can make it through the rest of the school year; one week off is not enough.  i feel like just this school year has drained all my energy from me.  i’m so... o.. so.. tired.  give me the rest i deserve.  school has forced me not be able to fall asleep until 4 at least.
2.  what have we done to ourselves.  we’re spoiling ourselves with the ’perfect’, with beauty, with movies, with appearances, with medicine and drugs, with technology.  we’re so weak.  but sometimes, that reminds me of how strong we are... how we keep growing. 
3.  i want to capture and show that growing old is one of the most beautiful things we as humans can experience.  i know that death isn’t... easy.  not an easy to accept, not an easy thing to let go.  but thinking about my death.. thinking about how eventually i will die... gives me an overwhelming feeling.. of amazement.. of disbelief that i’m alive.. that i’m here... i  a m  h e r e.  all i really think of is ’holy shit. i’m alive.  i’m alive.  ... holy shit i am alive.’  of course i always been alive for my 17 years so far... but when i think of my death and how i will die makes me stop and simply think.. death is a precious thing.  death is so precious because death makes life so precious.  it makes me stop thinking about ’o.. how i’m not that beautiful’ or ’o.. how i’m not skinny’ or ’this or that’... i know that death isn’t always seen as something friendly.  but it makes me think of a book where i death instead is right beside you the whole time.. and .. it’s not feared.  it’s just there.. and it’s.. silent.. it’s .. friendly.  and it gives me the courage to live through each day without holding back... and makes me believe that maybe i can just make it through the rest of the year.  and that it’s all okay.
4.  is this an emotional high? 
5.  i guess i’ll find out.
6.  maybe physically and mentally, growing old isn’t always a .. pretty thing.  our teeth rot (if we don’t take care of our teeth and don’t floss), our skin starts to sag and our hair turns white or starts to disappear... our body starts to deteriorate,’ physical beauty starts to fade ’, and we lose our ability to run around freely and sometimes even going to the bathroom ourselves, but i see growing old as a privilege.  youth is beautiful, youth is celebrated, youth is lovely and attractive, but growing old is a privilege. 

so what?

I’m A L I V E!!

hahaha.

We need a leader today who is assertive and when he or she makes a decision follows through with it; a leader who takes responsibility and is proud without being arrogant.  I think one of the best leaders is a person who is always willing to learn and has the compassion and willingness to understand, even when they don't.  Leaderships means to me being able to make the sacrifices and choices needed even when people don't agree or even when they're very difficult to make.  Isn't that what makes a leader different from everyone else when they're able to make the sacrifices most people aren't willing to make when those sacrifices are needed?  A leader needs to be flexible.. but I think most of all a leader needs to have the courage to make mistakes and then not allow those failures to bring him or her down but instead make him or her stronger.  The difference between the successful and the unsuccessful is that the successful realize that mistakes and criticism isn't a negative thing but a positive thing.  A good leader has the confidence to make mistakes and learn from them instead of letting failure bring him or her down.